anxiety, thunderstorms, and hookah

So as a result of hearing loss, and my invisible disability, I have anxiety and depression. Both are managed, but are the evil stepsisters lurking in the wings, waiting to cripple me. My parents didn't understand how I could be depressed. Everyone told me to snap out of it. They don't understand. No one does. Depression is a black hole that I wish on nobody. I've been in treatment for 14 months and I still have my days. Anxiety makes it worse, but I manage that with a certain illegal substance that NY really needs to legalize, like California, and Massachussets.

Let's tackle anxiety first. You know that feeling when you have to take a test, or you're going to the dentist to have your tooth ripped out...you're tapping your feet, you need to use the restroom, you keep checking the time. Imagine that...inside your head. For no reason. You feel anxiety so badly you can't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours. You feel anxiety so badly that your blood feels like it is boiling. You are so anxious you start ripping out the blonde hairs off of your arms, cutting your legs, or going through a pack of cigarettes in a day.

Picture knowing that there is a possibility that your hearing aid will break during the night. Or you have no money because you're on unemployment, and you can't afford batteries. Or you could knock a glass of water over your hearing aid. I have fallen face first onto hardwood floors to prevent the latter from happening. Your cat could knock it over. Or steal it. Or your little sister might think it is funny to hide it the first week you have your aid, resulting in your parents yelling at you saying that they knew you weren't mature enough to handle a hearing aid.

Picture a concert with your absolute favorite singer. It's sold out, and there are 53,000 people in the audience. And it starts to thunderstorm. You've paid $250 for this seat, and you do not even get to hear the second half of the concert. So your mother and your sister sing to the words, and help you out.

Picture a kickball game, with a bunch of friends, outside in the middle of August. You're sweating like a stuck pig. Do you take your hearing aids out, or do you leave them in? When I used to cheer, and I would go to cheerleading camp I would worry constantly about this. I ended up carrying around a towel to wipe behind my ears with. Because sweat, just like water, will kill the microphone in your hearing aid.

Picture going out to a hookah bar to meet up with a boy for the first time. The first time I met D, we barely spoke. I told him I was trying to be aloof, when in fact, I couldn't hear anything he said. My hearing aids have directional microphones which make talking to a human in a crowd room with background noise impossible. It is incredibly frustrating.